12-03-2003  

 

 

DISGRACE, DISMAY AND FINAL PEACE FOR A MAN ON THE RED BORDER

 

...all of a sudden I fall into disgrace, my nerves so black, painfully sculptured on my

pale face, my insanity beneath my sleep grows, no-one must get closer to me or

touch me, my blood is electric, ready to explode and lift my inner temperature,

it's like twenty raging wolfes behing a prison bars, they howl and bite while

night and day run into each other, leaving the rest of their sorrow to the

overcoming night. Sooner or later I perfectly feel I may burst, can't help

dropping heavy tears into the void, so ashamedly proud of my corrosive

but gentle schizophrenia, no-one I see and no-one I want to talk to...

I WON'T... My anger flows and my brain away blows, I look at the

window, trying pathetically to withdraw inspiration by a bunch of kids

playing in the rising park, there's no time to prevent anything, I might

kill you with blazing thoughts before devastating myself, pouring my sadness

into the grave, it takes a second to poison my ego, soon after the others

will getaway from me, I force myself to ignore them by they are

provoking my insanity, and blistering my sensitivity, they form a circle

turning around and around my dead-like body, they keep calling me

"EVIL, MR DISMAY...GO AWAY...... you, son of disgrace, we don't

see any light in your empty eyes...go away...." Shortly afterwards I

feel my sight growing dim and my ego getting fatter and fatter, hope

it won't melt.... my dearest ego... so impossible and nasty to be swallowed

by the common people.... it's so over-crowded, here, I might soffocate,

sooner or later................ "No more interest, no more love given, no

more betrayal, no more company... and, well, no more YOU........."

I foolishly keep asking, I, of course, keep dying................................

Day by day my sensitivity ends up into an ashtray called ignorance,

while your precious, 24-carat thoughts are regularly thrown into the

dustbin of indifference............ Someone a long time ago stole my inno-

cence and grabbed me from life and normality, to find myself some

time ago in an asylum..... "here you won't hurt anymore....".....

but they hurt me, better: they murdered me, I'm dead and the

sinner is still around, enjoying his stupid and monotonous life.

After all, it's damn funny to act as the eye of the hurricane, me...

among mad geniuses gone sour and once-upon-a-time famous writers

gone crazy, some of them are dead, some are living, chatting and arguing

in front of a blank, unexpressive wall for hours and hours until an over-

whelming tiredness let them fade into a deep, sonorous sleep...................

I stare at elderly people never recovered, while they constantly spend

their summer evenings reading and weeping over ancient books no-one has

ever read before then.........

I'm still searchin' for a feedback but I soon realise all my instruments have

been unplugged ages ago, I don't even remember why and how.............

Suddenly, one day of August came my mother to visit me. We talked for

about an hour but all I remember now is her last words: "....my son..........

I don't know whether admiring you or despising you...... you still ask.......

but I'm afraid you're no longer able to hear....... Can you hear me, now?....

Can you....." - no reply from me. She disappeared among the high, over-

whelming oaks. That day I died again.

Please, let me fade away, there's nothing else I'll be able to say.........

........but now, for the first time in my life I started dreaming and hoping,

I started thinking and laughing properly.... Let me once again my ego

floatin' high, lightening and colouring this static air........

I feel incredibly free...........

It has come the moment to lay my head on my innocence and let my

beloved brain sleep in peace.............................

Peace, peace..... nothing more than deafening peace.....................

 

TELEMACO PEPE

 

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