12-03-2003
...all of a sudden I fall into disgrace, my nerves so
black, painfully sculptured on my
pale face, my insanity beneath my sleep grows, no-one
must get closer to me or
touch me, my blood is electric, ready to explode and
lift my inner temperature,
it's like twenty raging wolfes behing a prison bars,
they howl and bite while
night and day run into each other, leaving the rest of
their sorrow to the
overcoming night. Sooner or later I perfectly feel I
may burst, can't help
dropping heavy tears into the void, so ashamedly proud
of my corrosive
but gentle schizophrenia, no-one I see and no-one I
want to talk to...
I WON'T... My anger flows and my brain away blows, I
look at the
window, trying pathetically to withdraw inspiration by
a bunch of kids
playing in the rising park, there's no time to prevent
anything, I might
kill you with blazing thoughts before devastating
myself, pouring my sadness
into the grave, it takes a second to poison my ego,
soon after the others
will getaway from me, I force myself to ignore them by
they are
provoking my insanity, and blistering my sensitivity,
they form a circle
turning around and around my dead-like body, they keep
calling me
"EVIL, MR DISMAY...GO AWAY...... you, son of
disgrace, we don't
see any light in your empty eyes...go away...."
Shortly afterwards I
feel my sight growing dim and my ego getting fatter and
fatter, hope
it won't melt.... my dearest ego... so impossible and
nasty to be swallowed
by the common people.... it's so over-crowded, here, I
might soffocate,
sooner or later................ "No more interest,
no more love given, no
more betrayal, no more company... and, well, no more
YOU........."
I foolishly keep asking, I, of course, keep dying................................
Day by day my sensitivity ends up into an ashtray
called ignorance,
while your precious, 24-carat thoughts are regularly
thrown into the
dustbin of indifference............ Someone a long time
ago stole my inno-
cence and grabbed me from life and normality, to find
myself some
time ago in an asylum..... "here you won't hurt
anymore....".....
but they hurt me, better: they murdered me, I'm dead
and the
sinner is still around, enjoying his stupid and
monotonous life.
After all, it's damn funny to act as the eye of the
hurricane, me...
among mad geniuses gone sour and once-upon-a-time
famous writers
gone crazy, some of them are dead, some are living,
chatting and arguing
in front of a blank, unexpressive wall for hours and
hours until an over-
whelming tiredness let them fade into a deep, sonorous
sleep...................
I stare at elderly people never recovered, while they
constantly spend
their summer evenings reading and weeping over ancient
books no-one has
ever read before then.........
I'm still searchin' for a feedback but I soon realise
all my instruments have
been unplugged ages ago, I don't even remember why and
how.............
Suddenly, one day of August came my mother to visit me.
We talked for
about an hour but all I remember now is her last words:
"....my son..........
I don't know whether admiring you or despising you......
you still ask.......
but I'm afraid you're no longer able to hear....... Can
you hear me, now?....
Can you....." - no reply from me. She disappeared
among the high, over-
whelming oaks. That day I died again.
Please, let me fade away, there's nothing else I'll be
able to say.........
........but now, for the first time in my life I
started dreaming and hoping,
I started thinking and laughing properly.... Let me
once again my ego
floatin' high, lightening and colouring this static
air........
I feel incredibly free...........
It has come the moment to lay my head on my innocence
and let my
beloved brain sleep in peace.............................
Peace, peace..... nothing more than deafening peace.....................
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