13-02-2003
Such a strange, splitting sensation, flood of thoughts
over and over my head,
brainstorming active, and dead silence is overwhelming
me, cool and fool faces,
all around the hall. The celebration is having its
crucial moment. Shivering
flashes cross my spine, splitting my questions, and
destroying all the answers,
attacking my "heavy" loneliness, while a
bunch of graduates is waiting for the
Big Proclamation, their hearts so light and
over-pumping, like a furious machine
impossible to control, it beats faster and faster, it
grows second after second.
Bell-bottomed untidy fragments of words I'm about to
whisper to the restless and
wondered audience, while polished declarations are
being held by the Great
Commission; all I'm able to see is only the Majesty
Hall's frames,
some pictures featuring old scientists upon the ancient
walls of the University.
I feel, all of a sudden, a strong, painful desire of
rushing toward the most
darkened corner of the Hall, where no-one can watch or
stare at me.
I don't want to be part of it, nor I want to get
involved in such a mess,
shadows of grief from a troubled, unsolved past are
wasting my free spirit,
suddenly I feel caged and enslaved; I can't allow
myself to explode in tears
while most of the delighted crowd is exulting and
crowning their own kings,
kings of the future.... or kings just for one day....
They will, maybe. I won't, for sure.
I can barely spot my parents, tens of miles far from
me, I can observe while
they try to approach my little brother among the other
graduates, so "drunk" of
devotion and ever-lasting riveting. It's his feast, and
no-one will steal these
sheer moments of grace.
As the loudness goes straight through the Park, unclear
voices seem to rumble
down to the ground, and then booming again up to the
King Tree, reaching even
the most hidden and obscured spaces between the bushes.
The sun is attempting,
menacingly, to my weak, wet eyes, freshening my gothic
mood, while it lightens
the engineers' smart heads, like mirrors reflecting my
gently faded face. My
hands are trembling, and my mind's growing dim. My
brain is on fire, seems
like a razor shaving my thoughts and penetrating my
consciousness.... I watch
now trees falling down and flowers wawing on the border
of an abandoned
swimming pool, deserted and desolated, no water inside
it, just an immense,
overwhelming void. Distorted flutes take over the
deafening sound produced
by an orchestra led by crazy trumpets and screaming
violins; the engineers with
mothers and fathers dancing around the bushes appears
to be a new vision on this
unusual screen; they joyfully shout at each other and
sing untunefully, although
the sound is right. Now I have managed to "get
tuned" and "high", ready to join
the rest of the band and sing altogether old gospel
chants of freedom.
...until the Sun intends to shine and leave Mother Rain
in a shadowed corner of
the Earth.... waiting, in vain, for its turn to
come.... ...oh, please, still
give all of us a reason to stay here longer, never
allow menacing clouds to
penetrate your absoluteness and undisputable majesty.......
The majesty of this Graduation Day.
...and the echoes of those chants of freedom will
quivering in the air for the
eternity....
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