24-04-2003
WEDNESDAY
16:05: SURRENDER: LAUGHS AT DISGRACE,
RED
SAND KICKING MY FACE
Wednesday,
16:05. Surrender. A dead body is laid down, my face filled with
blood,
red sand kicking dismayed eyes, flood of nightmarish thoughts rape my
pride,
I'm alone on the field, the battle is lost, and now long gone, all my
once
rich memories and full illusions for the title are vanished, leaving just
disgrace
and nothing more. My mind has been torn and scattered and my
faith
is going away with my last tears of anger and desperation... I hear
frightening
laughs and children's screams around my empty body, my hair
dirty
and my ego brutally stabbed; young and admiringly hopeful couples,
wistfully
waiting for their sheer moment of engaging warmth, are on the
border
of striking passion and unashamed confessions, while I'm stuck on the
corner
of humiliation, pathetically grasping unknown people's seconds
of
useless consideration, but all I've been receiving so far is despise and spits
on my still and
bleeding
legs.... All I can see is red sand that keeps hurting my sight. What was
greatness
and
wild charisma yesterday, today is death and freezing indifference.
Surrender,
surrender for the King of Disilluded, who once
used
to approach glory and high acclamation... now I'm ignored and commisered.......
Those
who were meant to chasing me, today are seen at the Top...
I'm
thinking of emptyness, declaring the absolute void, too sinful and vicious to
ask
for
help, I can't move, I can't speak, I can't scream, I can't cry.
I
can't live. My will disintegrated, and my ideals all of a sudden
gone
terribly wrong...... Hundreds of questions in a second, one over the other
like
demons attacking demons, and angels weeping on angels, the once-he-
was-invincible
wise-man is perished...ordinary fragments of madness.........
here
I am where I shouldn't be, here I am, a tiny, rarefied shadow in the
middle
of a battlefield... Surrender, surrender again over my head.............
Peace
is a Goddess I need to fall in love with, Grief is the Devil who's inside me.
I
died today, because I was destined to. I simply swept to insanity, my
gorgeous,
sweet, welcomed insanity, the only companion I have and, maybe,
the
only companion I'll ever possess.
One
more line for my contorted poem, one more second of stupid
illusion,
let me believe or just let me wander here alone, soon I will crash
into
the overwhelming void of oblivion.
The
Circle is supposed to have terminated its width of cruelty and
false
visions, once again... my ego keeps bleeding and being squandered into
parallel
lines, lines no-one will be able to discern, I don't even have
the
strength of bursting this crime... my IMPOSSIBLE SENSITIVITY!!....
she
keeps whipping my coherence, enslaving my attitudes and
caging
my endowments beneath the bars of a never-ending self-indulgence......
...it's
getting late... the evening is next to come. The whispering,
buzzing
and restless crowd has gone, couples, families and friends
are
about to be reconciled. Here Hell is burning, revealing my
soul
spoiled and dissonant, it all seems an orchestra gone mad with
all
the instruments out-of-tune.... Still those initial criminal thoughts
are
menacing to come back, announcing new injuries and
new
blood, new rage and fatal over-thinking.........
New
flashes are crossing my deep inside, I get blinded for
a
while and my will sporadically turns into an obscure cloud smacked dub into
the
centre of an immensively radiant blue sky.........
An
end-of-the-world-like hurricane is expecting to assault me............
and,
for sure, I'll be riding on it....................................
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