24-04-2003

 

 

WEDNESDAY 16:05: SURRENDER: LAUGHS AT DISGRACE,

RED SAND KICKING MY FACE

 

 

Wednesday, 16:05. Surrender. A dead body is laid down, my face filled with

blood, red sand kicking dismayed eyes, flood of nightmarish thoughts rape my

pride, I'm alone on the field, the battle is lost, and now long gone, all my

once rich memories and full illusions for the title are vanished, leaving just

disgrace and nothing more. My mind has been torn and scattered and my

faith is going away with my last tears of anger and desperation... I hear

frightening laughs and children's screams around my empty body, my hair

dirty and my ego brutally stabbed; young and admiringly hopeful couples,

wistfully waiting for their sheer moment of engaging warmth, are on the

border of striking passion and unashamed confessions, while I'm stuck on the

corner of humiliation, pathetically grasping unknown people's seconds

of useless consideration, but all I've been receiving so far is despise and spits on my still and

bleeding legs.... All I can see is red sand that keeps hurting my sight. What was greatness

and wild charisma yesterday, today is death and freezing indifference.

Surrender, surrender for the King of Disilluded, who once

used to approach glory and high acclamation... now I'm ignored and commisered.......

Those who were meant to chasing me, today are seen at the Top...

I'm thinking of emptyness, declaring the absolute void, too sinful and vicious to ask

for help, I can't move, I can't speak, I can't scream, I can't cry.

I can't live. My will disintegrated, and my ideals all of a sudden

gone terribly wrong...... Hundreds of questions in a second, one over the other

like demons attacking demons, and angels weeping on angels, the once-he-

was-invincible wise-man is perished...ordinary fragments of madness.........

here I am where I shouldn't be, here I am, a tiny, rarefied shadow in the

middle of a battlefield... Surrender, surrender again over my head.............

Peace is a Goddess I need to fall in love with, Grief is the Devil who's inside me.

I died today, because I was destined to. I simply swept to insanity, my

gorgeous, sweet, welcomed insanity, the only companion I have and, maybe,

the only companion I'll ever possess.

One more line for my contorted poem, one more second of stupid

illusion, let me believe or just let me wander here alone, soon I will crash

into the overwhelming void of oblivion.

The Circle is supposed to have terminated its width of cruelty and

false visions, once again... my ego keeps bleeding and being squandered into

parallel lines, lines no-one will be able to discern, I don't even have

the strength of bursting this crime... my IMPOSSIBLE SENSITIVITY!!....

she keeps whipping my coherence, enslaving my attitudes and

caging my endowments beneath the bars of a never-ending self-indulgence......

...it's getting late... the evening is next to come. The whispering,

buzzing and restless crowd has gone, couples, families and friends

are about to be reconciled. Here Hell is burning, revealing my

soul spoiled and dissonant, it all seems an orchestra gone mad with

all the instruments out-of-tune.... Still those initial criminal thoughts

are menacing to come back, announcing new injuries and

new blood, new rage and fatal over-thinking.........

New flashes are crossing my deep inside, I get blinded for

a while and my will sporadically turns into an obscure cloud smacked dub into

the centre of an immensively radiant blue sky.........

An end-of-the-world-like hurricane is expecting to assault me............

and, for sure, I'll be riding on it....................................

 

TELEMACO PEPE

 

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